Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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