I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
