living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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