Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
