does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
