the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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