glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your dad touched me again.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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