He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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