Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We need to get me chipped asap
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
