i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
