My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
