haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
