Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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