so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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