call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
