Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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