When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
