Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
