Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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