Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
