she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
