I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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