Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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