You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
