mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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