so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
