I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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