were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
