im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
