I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
