I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
