His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
