the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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