Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
