she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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