i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
well you can't waste a boner
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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