the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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