i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
