Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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