don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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