dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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