also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
