Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
