The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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