I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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