I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
