but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
