had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
