He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
