If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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