He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
