A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
