You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
