There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
