Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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