I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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